Now, lets be honest, the majority of us love a great night out, unless of course you happen to be, say, a hermit....or Mr Scrooge. Though, some get bored of the conventional clubbing, and that's because you're doing it wrong! So anyway, let me give you a few pointers for the next time you go out for a night on the town.
GET READY
1) Guys, apply clothes. Society apparently deems it acceptable for men to go out wearing nothing more than a nasty baggy T-Shirt and a pair of trousers which are not only three sizes too big but hang so low down their arse that you can see more of their Calvin Klein boxers than their jeans. (Seriously begining to wonder if they do that just to show off "Oh sorry, babe. It's just that my junk is too big to fit in my jeans if i put them up to where they're ment to be."
(My art skills are pretty epic, aren't they!?)
2) Girls, now we have our work cut out just to face the light of day. Okay, bang on the foundation, obviously not your own skin colour, you wanna look like you've just been Tango'ed (really darn orange) as this still-tanned-from-a-recent-holiday look is really sexy. Apply multiple layers of basically every type of make-up you have. Lip-gloss is the be all or end all of any girl's look, now this you want to drizzle on as the consant drooling look is the hottest thing around! ;) Then the tight dress which pushes your boobs out and almost flashes your arse is the best one to wear when going out, this will give you that trampy prostitute look which is (lets face it) what men really want. Then of course high heels no less than 5 inches tall. Here, some of you may want to practice walking in them.
Embrace the crushing effect, always remember: "No pain, no gain".
3) Once you've collected what you think you'll need for the night (ID, money, phone, lipy, lighter even if you don't smoke, an empty Powerade bottle- preferably still with it's label on, straw- you'd be surprised how handy this is actually, and a chocolate bar.
4) Bring a couple of pretty crazy friends with you.
5) Buy cheapest alcohol you can find that won't make you throw-up any time soon (unless you are getting followed by a persistant pervert, in which case barfing in front of or even on them will be a sufficient message for them to leave you alone).
6) Switch the alcohol from its own bottle to the Powerade bottle just in case you get caught drinking (this is most effective with drinks that match the colour of existing Powerade flavours)
GOING OUT
7) Screw your usual routine when you go out to the same place over and over. You could ask a (very cool) family member if they are willing to take you to somewhere more interesting; dispite the fact you have very little money, no place to stay and the fact that you may have forgotten your ID (or one of your crew is still under 18) - Though this technique is often a failure. You could instead try a friend or some guy you've only met once but owes you a favour anyway - This is more likely to be a sucess. :)
8) Try going to London (as it's gorgeous at night!)
9) Smoke a Shee-Sha pipe with a table full of complete randomers.
10) Give the rest of your small change to a sleeping homeless dude, you won't need it later anyway...probably...
11) Wander aimlessly for a while, don't worry everything is funny when you're drunk so you don't have to worry about being attacked (Y) Good times!
12) Start up a conversation with another complete randomer (or two). Who later you find out has missed his ride home because he was taking to you. Opps...Oh well!
13) Start heading toward places you would like to go; like the London Eye. They may follow you. Now depending whether you want them to comtinue or not is entirely up to you, if not then the throwing up trick mentioned earlier would come in pretty handy right about now. If you don't mind them then just carry on :)
14) Unfortunately for you, as you all walk across the now pitch black park they may ask you "Would you like to play sex games now?" To which it would always be best to say no to, unless you're feeling like "why not?" when confronted to the idea of playing naked tag in a park, though keep in mind you (or whichever one of your friends is feeling like this) is far too pissed to realise what the hell they're saying. So it's probably best to answer for them a "no".
15) The (Hungarian in my case) randomers may be persistant but eventually they WILL get tired and leave for home.
16) Head toward London Eye...again
17) Offer your lighter to passing (hot) men as they struggle with their own.Then ask for directions to the London Eye, Big Ben and other such attractions that may be lit up beautifully. They may follow you.
18) Compliment a girl-in-need on her gorgous shoes while holding her balanced while she massages her feet back to life. As in drunken world this automatically turns the two of you into best friends ;) Woohoo!
19) Take plenty of pictures. XD Memories! All alone in the moonlight!
(Left to right: Caitlin Goodson, Michael, Krissy Belle, Me, Chelsie Marono)
20) Eventually get to the London Eye. Have more picies taken!
21) While you're there make friends with about 9 indian dudes, who have free booze and a car blasting music ;) Though try not to get left with them while everyone else has gone. 9 randomers + yourself + orgy = epically bad times
22) Walk past a few gay bars on the way to the bus stop to randomer's (Michael's friend's) house.
23) Start singing disney and other such songs at the bus stop.
24) Watch as your randomer (Michael) falls into a huge scarey black man's lap when the bus lurches into motion. Then watch as the black man's face turns into one of utter disgust (we came on with some of the people from the gay bar down the street, so i can only assume that this guy is a tad homophobic)
25) Ask one of the people who came out of the gay bar (who may i add is wearing the coolest mad scientist outfit i have ever seen) to spray you with the gold glitter spray-can he has in his hand.
26) When you get to the randomer's house, try not to make too much noise; people are sleeping and don't need to know you are in the house. You do NOT want to be escorted from the premesses with the threat of calling the police because it turns out the 20+ friend of the randomer is renting a room so still technically lives with his mother! Trust me, the look from her alone will make you want to slap her (the oh-my-god-what-the-hell-are-three-hookers-doing-in-my-house-look).
27) Depending on whether you can stay the night depends on your luck, though you may wish to sneak out in the morning.
28) Round about now is when your hangover's gonna kick in, this is where your chocolate bar comes in handy.
29) Since you used up the last of your cash on the bus ticket to the randomer's house, start your trek from God-knows-where-part-of-London back to the centre of it.
30) It's not even worth asking directions, people in London apparently have no idea what is where, listening to directions will only send you in circles or have people tell you which bus to take (which is useless since you have no money left). Find a bus stop, there should be a map on that somewhere.
31) Enjoy your journey back to the centre of London and then back home.
Remember: Always take lots of pictures! It will be funny later even if it isn't at the time ;) HAPPY ADVENTURES!!!
