But think for a moment about something that is much more common in everyday life: self doubt; even negativity in general. We all do it. Generally no one's harder on us than ourselves. Which I find is the most stupid natural thing in all human behaviour, because most people's potential can only be realised with kindness and encouragement, not by adding doubt into the mix.
I should add at this point that I am a complete hypocrite, and almost never listen to my own advice.
And to be honest my dear readers, this is the reason I’ve not written anything in a while. And more specifically, why I’ve not written anything worth reading in about a year.
Frankly, I can't recall the last time I got a negative comment on a piece I finished writing, and that’s because of two reasons:
1) When I write, I put in my all.
2) I don't open it up to criticism until I’m completely happy with it.
Unfortunately it’s because of these reasons that I’m absolutely appalling with deadlines and that I’ve got more in my drafts folder than blog posts actually published.
But recently I’ve had a constant writer's block. And I’m putting it down to the general clutter of shit in my life at the moment.
(Inserting the emotional plug)
But it's okay, because I’ve created my own personal light at the end of the tunnel. As these days I think I’ve slipped into post-despair. Is there even such a thing? I certainly have no idea from a medical stand point. My live has gradually slipped into a whirlpool of disappointment, depression and hatred.
See? There you go, a visual aid.
I've tried, I mean I suddenly feel like I’m 18 going on 40 and its even beginning to show on my face! So I mean it when I say I honestly have tried, but I’m just so tired.
I'm tired of playing peacemaker at Christmas and birthdays,
I’m tired of always having to come up with the solution because no one else can be bothered,
I’m tired of being the shoulder to cry on and pretending I can be the shield that can protect you from everything.
I'm tired of picking up the pieces after you've gone.
I'm tired of lying to keep everyone together.
And I’m tired of smiling and pretending everything’s going to be okay when I know it's not.
But I think there's just a switch that one of the little guys in my brain has finally flipped. That feeling of numbness, like when you've had too much alcohol; you're face feels tingly at a touch and you feel drowsy as if you haven't slept in two days. And I’ve gotta say, it's a wonderful feeling. If I didn't know better, I’d say I was drugged or something. I think I finally understand how people can become alcoholics and drug addicts. Because the thing is, reality feels so much like a dream right now that I just feel indifferent about everything. Sorry dear readers, I know I sound completely emo right now, oh wait the word is "scene" these days right? Well sorry for acting like a scene kid then. But I don't really care anymore. So, at the end of the day..."fuck it" or in the words of the fantastic Catherine Tate "Am I bovvered?"
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